I’ve started to write the post several times and then stopped, deleting everything. And then started again. And then stopped. And then deleted everything again. But I’m not doing that anymore. This time, I’m going to say what I’ve been wanting to say for a long time.
For many years, I’ve felt uncomfortable inside my own skin. I’ve had a “problem” with my weight for years, meaning I’ve always carried some extra pounds, typically around my middle. When I was only about twelve or thirteen, I started to “develop”, and I remember that buying clothes to fit me became harder and harder. Too many shirts were low-cut and showed too much cleavage for a fourteen or fifteen year old.
But as I’ve gotten older, people have made more and more comments about my weight. I’ve been called fat, chubby, heavy—you name it, I’ve been called it. By lots of different people.
One of the hardest parts is that people seem to think their words just bounce right off me with no impact. Without hurting me. That I don’t cry afterwards. That I don’t avoid looking at myself in the mirror. That I don’t try to hide my body underneath baggy, loose clothes.
It hurts me that people basically determine my self-worth by my weight. Because the scale says one thing or because I look a certain way, I will always be lesser in the eyes of some people. LESSER! Not only is this incredibly hurtful, but it’s also 100% wrong.
My weight does not define me. The shape of my body does not define me. My body is mine, and mine alone. Yes, I’d love to lose weight (actually, I’ve recently made some changes in my life that are helping that), but I’m not gonna hate the skin I’m in until I can wear a certain size.
Actually, I’m gonna do the opposite. I’m going to LOVE the body I’m in, stretch marks, jiggly bits, and all. I’m going to embrace the natural curves God gave me (some women pay thousands of dollars to have the bra size I do). Yes, I’ll continue to be active and eat healthier (We’re doing the Whole 30 this Jan, and it’s totally changing my relationship with food), but I WILL NOT BE MADE TO FEEL LESSER BECAUSE I AM “OVERWEIGHT”.
In the past few months, I’ve begun following several bloggers who promote body positivity and self-love. These women also encourage healthy eating and active lifestyles but, like me, they’re a little heavier. And these women are beautiful and successful, and the do not let their body weight determine their self worth. You can check out their blogs here:
Here’s what I’ve decided in the last two weeks:
I’m more than a dress size.
I’m more than a number on the scale.
I am so much more.
So from here on out, I’m not going to hide my body under baggy clothes. I’m not going to allow others to dictate my worth to me. I’m going to love myself, and I hope that it will shine through to all of my readers. I hope to inspire others along this journey, too.
This recent revelation (which has been a long time coming) is what has inspired me to start bringing more of myself—more photos—to the blog.
So look out world, ’cause here. I. Come.